Being coached

I thought I would share some of my experiences of being coached in order to give one insight into coaching. This blog is for those who are curious to know what coaching is, what it can help with, if it is worth the time and money and or have no idea how to find a coach.

Ten years ago, I signed up to a level five coaching course funded by my employer, primarily at the time, to support my skills as a manager and build on my counselling qualification. As part of the training and the supervision groups that followed, I got to experience being coached by my peers and the trainers. We would bring live topics to be coached on. I brought challenges as diverse as how could I get my teenager to empty the dishwasher through to how could I support members of my team being made redundant. I was OK, work and home were more or less manageable and at times great, and yet, even five minutes of coaching could help me realise something anew, believe something different, realise I didn’t want what I thought I wanted, remember something that I’d forgotten, affirm me, or formulate a new approach.

From this point, I was sold on what coaching could do for me and others. Just as there are many types of counselling and therapy, there are many different types of coaching – executive, leadership, workplace, career, life and wellbeing, relationship, somatic, clean language, systemic, team, group and more. Some types reference who is being coached, the purpose of it and others techniques used. There are also many definitions of coaching, the International Coaching Federation (ICF) defines it as:

‘Partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.’[1]

One of my coaching teachers in those early days of training defined the role of coach as holding the self-belief of the person being coached until they had it themselves. I like that.

I continued to benefit from peer-coaching as part of my master’s degree, that I have completed more recently, and to volunteer myself to be coached by others in training. When I have remembered to do so I have also coached myself. I have paid for coaching sessions including a course of six sessions, and some longer two-hour sessions and occasional sessions when needed. I have been coached online and in person. The times I have paid for coaching have been when I was feeling stuck, or had a big decision to make and most recently being curious about what a lingering ‘meh’ feeling was and how to navigate a difficult transition.

So, what difference has this time being coached made to me? Firstly, it’s been fun. I thrive on the time and safe space to reflect on myself, my process and to figure things out, and welcome the privilege of having someone who is there to support me in living my best life. I have got to play with metaphor and interesting techniques, get in touch with my body and to say what comes up out-loud with no self-censorship. Sometimes the absurdity of what’s going on in my mind is laugh out loud funny. Frequently, and a bit less fun, the coach and I hit the same sore spot, the not good enough part, that is beginning to feel like an old friend.

Secondly, there have been impacts. Coaching helped me to support those team members who were made redundant and navigate what this loss meant for me and the resulting change in my role at work. One 45-minute coaching session supported me to develop a plan that within a few years saw me leave my job, learn Spanish, spend more time in Spain and do a masters. I have had sessions that resulted in me giving up caffeine, reduced the stress I was experiencing, and helped me to complete my dissertation. When I say helped me, I mean helped me to find my own way or a new way, build on my own strengths and resources etc. – I don’t mean the advice or ‘just do this’ sort of help.

Thirdly, some of the best coaching sessions have enabled me listen to my body, to sit better with discomfort, and recognise some parts or internal voices that no longer serve me. As a result, I have greater kindness to myself and bit by bit, a letting go. Being coached for me is like a deep exhale, a relief, I am not alone, I am understood, I belong. One of the most beautiful things a coach ever said to me was ‘Your tears are welcome here.’

Sometimes coaching is positioned as transformational. I’m not sure how I feel about that, as sometimes I do have those light-bulb moments or realisations and coaching feels in that moment powerful and life-changing. But, coaching has also facilitated recognising I am good enough as I am, I don’t always need to do better and be better, that I can bear the hard stuff, I can be, rather than do.

My experience is also that sometimes the impact of coaching takes years. I had some coaching about a parenting issue. The coach asked of my parenting behaviour ‘Is it working?’ My immediate and true answer was no, but it took me maybe 5 years when parenting a young adult to be able to do something differently. However, that ‘Is it working?’ question was always with me, nudging me. Those years when it wasn’t working, I was just doing the best I could, as we all do, until we know and can do different. Coaching has helped me forgive and accept myself for not being perfect.

I have sometimes worried though that this quest for self-awareness, and personal development was self-indulgent, ‘woo-woo’, a selfish individual focusing on self when there was so much misery in the world. I now think that to have a positive impact in the world I need to work on myself, care for myself and I also need to show up and be active in trying to make change to systems that oppress and cause harm. Both.

In short, coaching has positively supported my self-awareness, relationships and wellbeing and the way I am working and living my life. Coaching can provide practical support - managing a promotion or a difficult colleague, devising a plan to improve health or something or anything else. As the person being coached, you get to decide. In this blog, Afsar Ali describes how coaching put him in touch with his inner child.

Giving coaching a go doesn’t have to be a big thing. Dip your toe in, try a session or two, begin with a safe topic and if you want, go deeper and if you don’t like it, stop and or, try someone else. Time and money spent on focusing on yourself in relationship with another, may lead to increases in earning power, wellbeing or life satisfaction, improved relationships and may be worth prioritising over something else. Coaching is not a self-indulgent luxury but something that could make a positive difference and this will ripple out to those around you. Maybe, you will learn something unexpected, have some fun or as one of the people I have coached said ‘As corny as it sounds, I just feel a bit better’. What’s stopping you?

You can download tips on how to find a coach from the resources page on this website.

I am so grateful to all those who have coached and do coach me. I have learned so much from and with you, and carry you with me.  

[1] The Gold Standard in Coaching | ICF - Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) (coachingfederation.org)

May 2023