Being menopausal - emails to my 45-year-old self
Content warning: swearing, body parts, and 'inspirational' quotes.
When reading, remember that your menopause or that of those you know will be very different to mine. Here I am talking to me, not 'you', even when I say 'you'. Also, I am not medically trained. I advocate for hormone replacement therapy because it makes a difference and there are barriers to access. But, I understand that it's not the right choice for everyone for a range of reasons. I hope there is something of value or interest to you in these emails to me.
TO: 45-year-old me
Subject Line: You know nothing (or very little)
Dear Sam,
You may have been a feminist since you were a teenager, read ‘Our Bodies, Ourselves’ in the 80s and worked in sex and relationships education, but your understanding of the menopause is limited to hot flushes and jokes about ‘drying up’.
One thing to know now is that menopause is retroactively diagnosed – you will only know you’ve been through it when you’ve been through it – menopause will be the day you have not had a period for 12 months. For you, Sam, that will be a day sometime in the early summer when you are 52. Your friends who have had hysterectomies or have IUSs or similar will know even less about when they have 'hit' menopause.
So, do more detailed research and do it now, so that you will at least understand perimenopause better. Actively discard fear about the risks of HRT – the risks were exaggerated, and the science was shit. A reminder, not that we need one, that the patriarchy is not dead when it comes to health care. Here’s some useful reading from the future.
Debunking The HRT Myths Presented In Inaccurate 2002 Study (suggest.com)
Easy HRT prescribing guide (nhmenopausesociety.org)
With love from 55-year-old Sam
To: Sam at 45
Subject Line: Get Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) sooner (aka stop trying to be a hero)
Dear Sam
You will go to the Doctor in your mid 40s because your hair is failing out. You have lots of blood tests, there’s nothing wrong. Looking back this was an early sign of perimenopause.
You will go to the Doctor when you are 50, saying you are not feeling yourself and are feeling very anxious and tearful. She (not the same doctor you have now) will tell you the lie that HRT doesn’t help at all with mood changes and will offer you cognitive behaviour therapy instead.
When this happens, I suggest you say you also have terrible hot flushes and get the HRT. By getting HRT earlier you may sleep better, feel less anxious, have less aching body parts, less vaginal atrophy (more about that in another email) and possibly reduce future risks of heart disease, dementia, and osteoporosis. Because you sleep better, are less stressed and can move your body with more ease, you may also gain less fat around the middle.
At 45, Sam, I think you do half believe the myths about the dangers of HRT, but also you definitely like the idea of being strong enough to cope, to do it the ‘natural’ way and believe that your symptoms aren’t serious enough to warrant medication. This is bullshit. I’ve heard medically trained menopause experts talking about using HRT, at the very least, vaginal oestrogen, preventatively.
Love from Sam, who finally went on HRT at 54.
To: beautiful Sam at 45
Subject Line: Your body will change
Dear Sam,
You currently believe that the euphemistically termed vaginal dryness was literally that, no vaginal lubrication, when what will actually happen is that your vaginal walls will get thinner, your inner labia will shrink, and you will be more prone to urinary infections and painful penetrative sex. So, as soon as anything even slightly changes, get onto vaginal forms of oestrogen, moisturise daily with coconut oil, and use high quality lube. As a matter of principle don’t buy the bandwagon lube for menopausal women, unless you hear it really is brilliant!
Sam, you are going to get fatter, but this will set you on a positive journey of understanding more about your body, intuitive eating, diet culture, fatphobia and its link to White supremacy and more. You will start to judge others’ bodies less as part of making more peace with your own. You will understand that, despite what you are told, you can be healthy at any size.
But, for fucks sake, Sam, stop worrying about your current (smaller than it will be) body. You will look back on your photos and see how amazing you look right now. Don’t waste a moment more of your precious and getting shorter life (or that of your reassuring partner) in hating on yourself, dieting, and wishing you were different. Use the time wisely to read about the menopause and fight the patriarchy.
Lots of love from Sam at 55, trying to practice body neutrality
An image of a care bear resting against a tree, smiling with the caption “allowing myself to feel good in my body us an act of resistance in a culture that taught me only shame”
To: 45-year-old me with limiting beliefs
Subject Line: Many of the things you’ve been telling yourself for years aren’t true
Dear Sam,
You have been telling yourself these things for years. Over the next ten years all these things will turn out to be untrue.
I can’t run
I can’t practice yoga, without a teacher
I can’t meditate, my mind is too busy (again, do some reading, meditation isn't about not having thoughts)
I can’t read non-fiction or do academic study
If I stop work, I will sit on the sofa and watch crap telly all day
I need to work because that is who I am, that is my identity
I know lots about many things (including menopause, parenting, anti-racism, etc.)
I’m not good enough (to be honest, you will still think this a bit when you are 55).
Love, from Sam at 55 and listening less to my thoughts and more to my body.
Illustration of a bird on a multi-coloured branch with the caption ‘don’t believe everything you think’
To: 45-year-old strong me
Subject Line: Let go of the things that are no longer serving you
Dear Sam
For understandable reasons Sam, you have believed that you had to cope on your own, be strong, be organised, take action, look after others, get on with things, and always do better. This drive serves you well but comes at a cost. Yoga, therapy, understanding more about anti-racism, and parenting an adult child will direct you towards realising that sometimes we need to sit in our discomfort, befriend it even, breathe, and trust that it will pass. Try some humility.
A photo of sea, rocks and mountains in the distance with the Anais Nin quote "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
What you will come to realise Sam, is that, as you criticise yourself, you put yourself in a place of criticising others. Compassion for self supports compassion for others, one without the other is not possible.
Love, 55-year-old kinder to self Sam.
To: 45-year-old me believing there’s a final destination
Subject Line: When you think you’re there, you’re not (and don’t argue with your parts)
Dear Sam,
So, you develop lots of self-care practices and feel so much better for it. But then you stop feeling better and some of these practices become yet more things you will push yourself to do. Instead, Sam, try to make friends with all your parts, even the ones you’re no longer so keen on. Fighting yourself is exhausting. Dial up the self-compassionate talk, rest, lean in, surround yourself with friends, cry in front of those friends, be grateful, move your body. Have some flipping fun.
Love, 55-year-old Sam, who lives a bit more in the present moment.
To: 45-year-old fearful self
Subject line: The next ten years
Dear Sam,
There will be pain and there will be joy.
Sam, you are lucky at 45 and lucky at 55, you have a nice home, family and friends, and resources. Over the next 10 years you access more counselling and coaching and find spiritual teachers and you learn a fuck of a lot and let go of a lot. The painful times teach you about yourself and to be vulnerable with others.
I know that you won’t take my advice. The other thing you learn Sam, is that things change and move in their own time, at the right time, often when the right people come into our lives. So, try to stop giving so much advice – as I am still having to work on that one.
Finally, in case you’re interested, you and a friend dance in a burlesque show. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
Love, because that is all there is, 55-year-old us.
Open palms with the Brene Brown quote written in gold over them "Wishing you a heart open enough to stay curious, strong enough to face pain and brave enough to feel joy"
Thanks to all those who have been beside me, taught me and loved me for the last 10 years and longer.
Solidarity and love, to all those going through or who will go through a menopause transition be it similar or very different to mine.
November 2022
